The Eagles Give the Raiders a Swirly
Philly bullies Vegas, Dallas Goedert's Big Day, and Kenny Pickett's No Good, Very Bad Day
It’s important to have perspective. To exercise gratitude. You may have had a bad day at the office, but at least you have a job. You may have stubbed your toe, but at least you have a toe to stub. Famed writer Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously.” I believe it was Emerson who also said, “Be glad you’re not a Raiders fan because that team is a landfill.”
The Eagles beat the Las Vegas Raiders 31-0, recording their first shutout since 2018 (against a Josh Johnson-led Washington team). Our boys showed the 2-11 Raiders some South Philadelphia hospitality by taking them to the woodshed and treating them to a knuckle sandwich with a side of ass whooping. This was less of a football game and more of a public bullying. It was the professional football equivalent of a wedgie. Deebo and Biff Tannen would be proud.
The struggling Philadelphia offense rose from the ashes. Jalen Hurts turned the page on a 5-turnover performance and delivered a controlled and confident performance, resembling the Super Bowl MVP all of our girlfriends fell in love with. Hurts went 12 of 15 for 175 yards and 3 touchdowns. Most importantly, Hurts tapped into his running ability, rushing on designed runs and scrambles 7 times for 39 yards. He moved the sticks and infused the offense with the jolt they needed in critical moments. It was exactly how you want to see from your Super Bowl-winning quarterback respond a week after a tough outing. We used to pray for times like this when Philly would tap into Jalen’s legs this season, and we finally made it. This offense is more potent when Hurts carries the rock.
Dallas Goedert re-emerged as a redzone revelation. The Man Named After the City scored two touchdowns on 6 receptions for 70 yards. A.J. Brown continued his mean streak, scoring his fourth touchdown in as many weeks, once again proving the effectiveness of tweeting about how frustrated you are with your job. Saquon Barkley scored a touchdown and ended the day with 22 carries for 78 yards. The efficiency wasn’t there for Saquon today, but he had some solid runs of 10+ yards to keep momentum going. DeVonta Smith had a huge 44-yard reception on the first play of the second quarter on a perfect pass from Jalen.
My favorite pastime is doubting Kevin Patullo, but the “maybe 1-and-done” offensive coordinator mixed it up in this one with a great game plan. We finally saw the Birds use a heavy dose of under-center runs to help get Barkley downhill faster. On top of that, they used that under-center run game to open up play-action opportunities down the field, especially for Goedert. We saw this offense have a lot of success with this approach against teams like Minnesota. It makes their offense that much more dynamic and unpredictable. This is something we as a fanbase have been clamoring for, and I couldn’t be more excited (and sorry) that Kevin Patullo is reading our angry tweets.
Vic Fangio’s defense continued its domination by putting Kenny Pickett and a bad Raiders offense in quicksand. The Eagles held the Vegas to 75 total offensive yards, the fewest the Raiders have had since 1961, and fewer yards than Saquon Barkley had on his own. That’s like the distance between my house and the corner store at the end of our block. The defensive line was all over “Unsteady Kenny,” sacking Pickett four times. In honor of Unc’s everywhere, Eagles unretired legend Brandon Graham came away with two sacks on the day, becoming the oldest player in franchise history to record a sack. Nolan Smith and Moro Ojomo joined the party with a sack each. In Jalen Carter’s absence, players along this defensive line continue to step up. According to Jeff Kerr, the Raiders didn’t record a single play inside Philly’s 30-yard line.
Nick Sirianni is now tied with Hall-of-Fame Coach Paul Brown (literally the dude that the old Bengals stadium was named after) for the second-most wins through a head coach’s first five seasons. Being an Eagles fan for the past few weeks has been frustrating and disappointing because we know what this team is capable of. But when you take a look at the larger picture, we are in a truly special era of Philadelphia Football. The Eagles haven’t had a stretch like this since early in the Andy Reid-Donovan McNabb era.
And listen, I get it. Playing the Raiders is like getting in cardio. A Peloton HIIT class provides more resistance. But part of being a great team is winning the games you’re supposed to win. And winning them decisively. If you don’t take out the trash, your house is going to stink.
The Eagles have had a bear of a schedule. They needed this W and the confidence that comes with it. What’s encouraging is that we’re seeing a positive trend with this offense (which I know is insane to say a week after they had 5 turnovers). But they’re finding an identity and landing on play designs that are clicking. That’s at least something. It can be hard to find your mojo when you lost it (memo to self: do not make obvious Austin Powers joke). I don’t know what destiny has in store for the 2025 Philadelphia Eagles, but I sincerely hope we can keep the good vibes going.
Let’s get to the game recap.
If you watched the Eagles publicly give the Las Vegas Raiders a noogie, feel free to skip to Trending Up/Trending Down.
GAME RECAP
If you’re a Raiders fan, I sincerely hope you spent your Sunday at the Craps table instead of watching this game. The Eagles took on a Raiders defense that ranks 2nd in the league in forcing negative plays and 7th in the league in limiting explosive plays. Unfortunately, that simply didn’t matter.
Philadelphia came out working their way down the field with the one-two punch of Barkley and Hurts. After a diving catch by DeVonta Smith on 3rd and 6 at the 10-yard line, the Birds scored on a read-option shovel pass to Dallas Goedert to go up 7-0. According to The Athletic’s Zach Berman, with that touchdown, Dallas Goedert now has as many touchdowns this season as his past three seasons combined. Good stuff!
The Raiders had a little juice on their first possession, converting first downs with a combination of Kenny Pickett’s legs and a quick play-action passing game. On a 3rd and 8 from the Eagles’ 44-yard line, Brandon Graham sacked Kenny Pickett, becoming the oldest player in franchise history to record a sack. Unfortunately, an unnecessary roughness penalty was called on Cooper DeJean for shoving Raiders wide receiver Tyler Lockett, giving the Raiders a first down. That only delayed the inevitable, as Moro Ojomo sacked Kenny Pickett on the very next play. The Raiders ended up going for it on a 4th and 6, but a batted ball by Jaelan Phillips ended their drive.
On the first play of the second quarter, Hurts hit a beautiful 44-yard pass to DeVonta Smith on an out-and-up route. Then on 2nd and goal, Hurts went for a wide-open Dallas Goedert in the endzone on the read option slip route, but Goedert dropped the pass. Following a sack by Raiders defensive end Maxx Crosby, the Birds settled for a Jake Elliot 24-yard field goal to make it 10-0.
On a 3rd and 6 on the Raiders’ third possession, Brandon Graham recorded another sack, ripping Kenny Pickett down by his feet. Philadelphia got the ball and focused on getting its run game going. After not running for a first down in the past 3 games, Hurts ran for two on this drive alone, converting time after time with his legs. The Eagles capped off the drive with a Saquon Barkley touchdown run to make it 17-0.
Following halftime, the Raiders came out swinging, gaining a little momentum by getting the ball to their star rookie running back Ashton Jeanty. Unfortunately, when Kenny Pickett is your quarterback, momentum always stops soon after it starts. Pickett was intercepted by Eagles linebacker Zack Baun to give the ball back to the Birds.
The Philadelphia offense picked up where it left off before halftime. Jalen Hurts escaped the pocket and hit Dallas Goedert for a 32-yard gain. Jalen then hit A.J. Brown for his first catch of the day for 14 yards. After a holding penalty on Tyler Steen backed the Eagles up to 3rd and 12, Hurts took the rock for 13 yards on a designed quarterback run out of an empty formation. Two plays later, Hurts found Dallas Goedert for his second touchdown of the day to build the lead to 24-0.
After Nolan Smith sacked Kenny Smith to end the next Raiders’ drive, a bad Raiders punt gave the Eagles the ball at their own 40. Barkley was cooking, hitting runs for 14 and 10 yards. Hurts finished things off with a 24-yard touchdown pass to A.J. Brown to bring the score to 31-0 and add the final nail in the coffin.
After the Raiders’ offense flamed out again, Philadelphia’s backups came onto the field to finish the job, led by backup quarterback Tanner McKee and backup running back Tank Bigsby. They took the offense on a 17-play drive that ate up 11 minutes in the fourth quarter. They made it down to the goal line but couldn’t score on 4 attempts. The Raiders got the ball back and ran out of time.
TRENDING UP
The Man Named After a City: Dallas Goedert was hooping. Aside from one (bad) drop in the endzone, Goedert hauled in two touchdowns for the day. Inside the redzone, he is both the unstoppable force and immovable object. Goedert found holes in the Raiders’ zone defense and was the recipient of a potent play-action game. Goedert is tied for second in the league in touchdown receptions by a tight end. Our guy is setting up to have a nice payday after the season.
“Hurts” You With His Legs: I’m not talking about Jean Claude Van Damme in the movie Bloodsport, even though Jalen Hurts is just as deadly when he runs. This Eagles offense has been in serious need of Hurts’ dynamism as a runner, and they reaped the rewards today. Hurts carried the ball 7 times, resulting in timely first downs and momentum for a struggling Philadelphia offense. As we get closer to the playoffs, I expect the Birds to use Jalen as a runner more to open up opportunities for the entire offense. The impact on opposing defenses is equivalent to that scene in Bloodsport when Jean Claude Van Damme dramatically punches that man in the groin.
Old Man Graham: Between John Cena’s last match and Philip Rivers going from couch to starting quarterback, it was a landmark weekend for oldheads. Brandon Graham got in on the action by recording two sacks against Kenny Pickett. BG became the oldest player in franchise history to record a sack, nonetheless two. A franchise legend just became even more legendary. I can’t believe he’s doing this at the age of **checks notes** 37!? If you don’t receive another newsletter from me this week, just know that Brandon Graham being considered old and only being a year older than me has sent me into a quarter-life crisis, and I’ve bleached my hair and become a bartender at a surf shack in Maui.
Easier Games: The Eagles haven’t played an opponent with a losing record since beating the then 2-6 New York Giants on October 26. This Raiders matchup was a welcome change from a murderer’s row of opponents, including the top three NFC North teams. In the next three weeks, they take on the 4-10 Commanders twice and the 10-4 Buffalo Bills in Buffalo. The Bills game is going to be a tough test for this Eagles team against a Buffalo team fighting for playoff positioning and although the Commanders are ailing, they’re motivated to get revenge against Philly for last year’s NFC Championship Game. The Eagles’ magic number to win the division is one game after the Cowboys’ loss last night, so hopefully those Commanders games can take the edge off.
TRENDING DOWN
Efficient Running: While Barkley had a solid game, the run game still left much to be desired. Barkley averaged 3.5 yards per carry, despite hitting some runs of 10+ yards. The under-center running game did great things for the Birds play-action attack, but less so for a consistent running game. There’s some room to improve here.
Kenny Pickett’s Career: At one point, commentator Greg Olsen talked about how this was Kenny Pickett’s opportunity to prove to the Raiders that he deserves the opportunity to be their starting quarterback for the remainder of the season. Kenny Pickett then immediately threw a pass at Tre Tucker’s feet. It’s not happening for our boy.
HOT TAKES
The Las Vegas Raiders are the Most Depressing Team in the NFL: Imagine growing up a Raiders fan in Oakland, California. Rich Gannon is your idol. But since the early 2000’s you’ve rolled through your fair share of JaMarcus Russells and Terrell Pryors. You dream of the day when Derek Carr was your quarterback. You’ve been hit with scandal after scandal involving Jon Gruden’s emails and Antonio Brown’s frozen foot. Your favorite team’s owner still has a bowl cut for some reason and moves your favorite team away from your hometown to Las Vegas of all places. Then the greatest quarterback of all-time and one of the greatest coaches in NFL history team up to save your franchise, and your team still only wins two games. You’ve had only two winning seasons since 2003 (2003!?), and there’s no solution in sight. Mark Davis should have to relegate the Raiders to the Big Ten. Raiders fans deserve better than this.
THINGS ONLY I CARE ABOUT
Can someone get Joe Biden a new Eagles hat that isn’t from the Philly’s heartbreaking Super Bowl loss to the Chiefs? Help a former Commander-in-Chief out! I will be starting a GoFundMe to get Joe a new hat.
No one has ever been colder than Pete Caroll. Pete Caroll was wrapped in his giant coat like a burrito. That still wasn’t enough to keep the cold weather from taking its toll. He left Seattle for the heat of Las Vegas so he didn’t have to deal with this shit. After less than a half of football in Philadelphia, you can tell he was already over it.
