Power Rankings: The Most NFL Quarterback-Sounding Names
Ranked #1 through #32 based on how "quarterbacky" their name sounds
Being a quarterback in the NFL is easy. Sure, you need elite field vision, prototypical height and weight, arm strength possessed by less than 1% of the world’s population, a borderline photographic memory, the ability to process giant men running at you as fast as possible, and top-notch athleticism. But that’s nothing.
What you really need to excel as an NFL passer is a name that sounds “quarterbacky.” All the greats have one. Like a Joe Montana. Or a Dan Marino. If you sound like a good NFL quarterback, my research (which I did not conduct) shows that you’ll be a great one.
Now, what does a “quarterbacky” name sound like? It’s a name you hear that immediately makes you think of football. You can envision it on a trading card or at the bottom of a bobble head. It’s a name that sounds good when Coach Eric Taylor says it.
That’s why I took it upon myself to put together the ultimate ranking of NFL starting quarterbacks based on name alone.
This is a definitive list I expect fantasy football savants and NFL scouts to use in all of their endeavors. Quarterbacks are ranked #1 through #32, with #1 being the most “quarterbacky” name and #32 being the least. I only included current NFL starting quarterbacks, adjusting for injury (sorry, Joe Burrow).
Let’s get to it.
Power Rankings
Tier IV: Embrace Your Career Options
32. Daniel Jones (Indianapolis Colts)
What do you give the man who has everything? Daniel Jones is a starting quarterback in the NFL, but he could just as easily be a Junior Analyst at Goldman Sachs on the fast track to Vice President because his uncle was an executive there. He sounds like his dad was a partner at Lehman Brothers and played a key role in causing the 2008 recession, but got a sweet golden parachute and came out the other side unscathed. This name emanates a Hall of Fame level of privilege that hangs in the rafters between George “Dubya” Bush and Brooklyn Beckham.
31. Sam Darnold (Seattle Seahawks)
It’s the Darnold of it all, unfortunately. With a name like that, Sam Darnold could’ve been a child actor who starred in a Disney Channel original movie about a chili cook-off that took place in a haunted house. Then he got older and was in that one indie film that you saw and you said to your girlfriend, “Hey, is that the guy from Haunted Chili Cook-Off?”
30. Jared Goff (Detroit Lions)
I hate to be simplistic, but Goff is a PGA Tour name. If your name sounds like “golf” when someone is saying it while eating a hotdog, that has to be your profession. It’s not too late for Jared to embrace his destiny as the 225th-ranked player in the country, known for a mean putting game and a slight temper.
29. C.J. Stroud (Houston Texans)
My views changed when I found out C.J.’s full name is Coleridge Bernard Stroud, which sounds like a historical figure that your high school is named after because he invented the paper clip or was the first man to say “widget.” It’s a strong name. A history-altering name. One that could carry the weight of the past but not the weight of a defensive lineman running at full speed.
28. Mac Jones/Brock Purdy (San Francisco 49ers)
I lumped these two together because they both sound like extras in Grease. They both have lines in that “Tell Me More” song, and one of them says something kind of off-color. They sound like they’d look great in leather jackets. It feels very Bulk and Skull.
27. Bryce Young (Carolina Panthers)
Bryce Young is a gentle name. It’s calm and reserved, but youthful and exuberant. It’s not meant for the rigors of NFL quarterbacking. It’s a name meant for a man who has a YouTube Channel where he reviews labubus. Or a yoga teacher who speaks with a slightly English accent, even though he’s originally from North Jersey.
26. Josh Allen (Buffalo Bills)
Beware of a man with two first names. Josh Allen could be a pediatrician or a huckster pedaling specialized protein powder. Really, any career path that allows him to go by the name Dr. Josh.
25. Trevor Lawrence (Jacksonville Jaguars)
Trevor was in your fraternity. Trevor almost got kicked off campus for playing Edward 40-hands in the middle of the library and passing out without his pants on. But his dad pulled some strings. It took Trevor 6 years to graduate, but by 30, he was a partner at his law firm.
24. Dillon Gabriel (Cleveland Browns)
The Dillon + Gabriel combination feels a little too missionary to be elite. Yes, he will teach you the word of god, but can he read a Cover 2 defense with the game on the line?
23. Patrick Mahomes (Kansas City Chiefs)
“Here at Mahomes Real Estate, I promise to treat your new home like it’s “MA” home.” He would make a killing selling McMansions in Central Pennsylvania.
TIER III: You Sound Like You’ve Held a Football Before
22. Matthew Stafford (Los Angeles Rams)
With a name like Matthew Stafford, he can be whatever he wants. Any name anchored by two “f’s” is fit to spin the rock on Sunday. But I could just as easily see a name like Stafford being a high school chemistry teacher. “Mr. Stafford is up my ass about this chem exam,” or “you think old man Stafford is hitting us with a pop quiz today?” It’s Breakfast Club meets 10 Things I Hate About You.
21. Jake Browning/Joe Flacco (Cincinnati Bengals)
These are “quarterbacky” names. Unfortunately, they are the names of people who sound like they’re bad at quarterbacking. If an alien landed on my stoop tomorrow and said *beep boop beep*, which I translated to “who are all of the quarterbacks in the NFL,” when I got to Jake Browning and Joe Flacco, they’d say *boop beep boop* which I’d translate to “Wow, they sound terrible.”
20. Carson Wentz/J.J. McCarthy (Minnesota Vikings)
The Wentz of it all has a certain whimsy that actually matches the randomness of his playing style. It’s a name that implies a chaos that can best be categorized as Mr. Bean-energy. J.J., on the other hand, may not be an NFL quarterback name, but it is the name of a pop star who’s on his fourth studio album and is married to the daughter of an ‘80s movie star.
19. Justin Herbert (Los Angeles Chargers)
“Herbert’s Sherbert. Get ya Herbert’s Sherbert here.” This is an ice cream name, ladies and gentlemen.
18. Michael Penix Jr. (Atlanta Falcons)
There’s an elephant in the room, and he keeps nudging me. I’m immature, but I will not say it. If I were him, I’d just go by MPJ. That’s “quarterbacky.” The Penix is up for interpretation. It’s meant to be written on bathroom stalls or drawn on your friend’s face when they fall asleep at a party.
17. Geno Smith (Las Vegas Raiders)
Geno sounds like the name of your dad’s friend who talks about how he walked on to play linebacker at Notre Dame until you realize he’s just telling you the plot of the movie Rudy.
16. Caleb Williams (Chicago Bears)
We’re getting on the cusp of “quarterbackiness”. Caleb Williams feels flashy but grounded. He’s the kid who stole his dad’s car junior year for a joyride, but he got older and figured his life out. Sure, maybe he’s an NFL quarterback now. He could also teach music classes for toddlers or breathwork at the local YMCA. The world is Caleb’s oyster.
TIER II: Star Potential
13. Jayden Daniels (Washington Commanders)
The sky is the limit for a name like Jayden Daniels. That’s the name of a star. But one who’s potential exceeds the constraints of the gridiron. Jayden Daniels is meant for Hollywood. Iron Man 6 starring Jayden Daniels. Tom Cruise and Jayden Daniels in Mission Impossible: Blitz or Die. There’s incredible potential with a name like that.
12. Kyler Murray (Arizona Cardinals)
Kyler Murray feels like the name of an athlete. He might be the first quarterback on this list who plays 100% like his name sounds. He scurries around and throws things far and fast. It has a ton of potential as a baseball name (which Murray almost played), but it’s a solid quarterback name if you’re in a pinch.
11. Drake Maye (New England Patriots)
I love an athlete with the name “Drake” (a little lower on rappers named Drake at the moment, but to each their own). Drake Maye sounds like it’s meant to be uttered by Rex Ryan on ESPN at the end of a long rant that compares the New England Patriots to pizza toppings, which no one on set understands.
TIER I: The Most “Quarterbacky” of Quarterback Names
10. Tua Tagovailoa (Miami Dolphins)
I love the simplicity of a single name. Madonna. Prince. Doritos. Tua has that sparkle. It’s a marketable name for a quarterback who is probably just ok.
9. Cam Ward (Tennessee Titans)
Cam Ward tops out as the most hip-hop name on this list. It carries a swagger that’s unheard of in the NFL. It’s a name rappers reference in their songs. It’s a name that deserves a signature shoe.
10. Bo Nix (Denver Broncos)
Bo Nix sounds corn fed and strong as a bison. Bo Nix sounds like he threw footballs through a tire swing in his backyard for hours. Bo Nix sounds like a coach’s son. Bo Nix sounds like he’s meant to be endorsed by Bojangles and get a tattoo across his back that says “It’s Bo Time.” This. Is. A. Quarterback.
9. Jordan Love (Green Bay Packers)
Jordan Love rolls off the tongue like silk. It has a smoothness about it that’s juxtaposed by its “Michael Jordan-esque” intensity. He sounds like a quarterback who throws a beautiful ball, occasionally into the hands of the other team. That’s a name where no movement is out of place, a quarterback who runs on his own time.
8. Dak Prescott (Dallas Cowboys)
This man’s name is Dakota Prescott. What else do you want him to do with his life? Dakota Prescott is not an accountant. Dakota Prescott is not a Chief Marketing Officer. Dakota Prescott does not ring the bell at Trader Joe’s. Dakota Prescott was made to play football and to play football for the most annoying franchise in the history of the sport.
7. Aaron Rodgers (Pittsburgh Steelers)
I took a darkness retreat to meditate on this one. I don’t like it either, but the name “Aaron Rodgers” is as classic as they come. It’s a name meant for a trading card. It’s a name meant for a football jersey. It screams Americana, football on Thanksgiving, and John Madden eating turkey legs.
6. Justin Fields (New York Jets)
I mean, Fields is his last name. What are we doing here?
5. Jaxson Dart (New York Giants)
My girlfriend shared her thoughts Jaxson Dart in an article from a few weeks ago, and I feel like her thoughts also apply to the “quarterback-iness” of his name. So I’ll reshare what she said below.
“Jaxson Dart looks like he should be on the CW. The coach from the Titans could be Jaxson Dart’s coach on the CW show. I feel like getting drafted high is his life story. Look at that face, he’s not worried.”
4. Jalen Hurts (Philadelphia Eagles)
“Jalen Ouch” wouldn’t do. “Jalen Punch” is too aggressive. But “Jalen Hurts” sounds like a man who’s game for the trials and tribulations of professional football. He accepts pain and inflicts it on his opponents. He sounds like someone Rocky would fight when he stepped in the ring “one last time.” He could be a linebacker, but he’s too graceful for that. This is a name meant for Philadelphia. This is a name meant for football. I am incredibly biased, get off my back about it!
3. Spencer Rattler (New Orleans Saints)
My girlfriend recommended that Saints fans call him “The Rattler,” and I agree. The potential is through the universe for a name like this. “Spencer Rattler” feels like a character on Friday Night Lights. “Spencer Rattler” is meant to play in the Super Bowl but never win it. It’s soft yet dangerous. It evokes a villain in a western movie with a handlebar mustache and a six-shooter. That’s “quarterbacky” as hell.
2. Lamar Jackson (Baltimore Ravens)
Speaking of trading card names, this is the one. This is a name you tell your grandchildren about. Action Jackson. It just sounds fast. It’s a name that sounds like it should have its own shrine in your Baltimore townhome with an altar of candles you light before every game at M&T Stadium. Lamar Jackson is as “quarterbacky” as names come.
1. Baker Mayfield (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
You have to love a man whose first name is someone else’s profession. Baker Mayfield was meant to be nothing but an NFL quarterback. This is a name that works on Saturdays and Sundays. It’s a Heisman-winning name. It’s marketable, meant for a Disney Channel movie where he wrangles a ragtag Pop Warner team to win a championship. “Baker Mayfield” has star potential. “Baker’s Cooking” is a catchphrase that could heal the nation. He is the chosen one.
Honorable Mention: Joe Burrow (Cincinnati Bengals)
A phenomenal name for a contractor. “I got my shower installed by Burrow and Sons.”