NFL Playoff Teams as Nic Cage Movies
No one asked for this
Playoff football feels like watching a movie. Plotlines coalesce. Stories end and begin again. Familiar characters meet in familiar places for one last job. The games are action-packed, enthralling, unpredictable, and at times incomprehensible. Every loss kicks off a million different realities for a team that could rise again or fall forever. This, ladies and gentlemen, sounds like a Nic Cage movie.
The playoffs are like watching The Wicker Man or The Rock. We’re talking drama, action, not being sure if you’re supposed to laugh or not. That’s why here at Burds of a Feather, we’re providing one-of-a-kind analysis that will make you say “why?” and “sure I guess that makes sense.”
For instance, doesn’t this remind you of facing the Texans’ defense?
Today, we’re analyzing the remaining teams in the NFL playoffs by comparing each one to a Nic Cage movie. If you have a Nic Cage fan in your life that you’re trying to get into professional football (which sounds like a very specific thing you’re trying to accomplish), then here’s a guide for you.
Chicago Bears - Moonstruck
“Why you wanna sell your life short? Playing it safe is just about the most dangerous thing a woman like you could do. You waited for the right man the first time, why didn’t you wait for the right man again?” - Nic Cage as Ronny Cammerari
The 2025 Chicago Bears are a love story. Between the city of Chicago and Ben Johnson. Between the NFL media and also Ben Johnson. Between Caleb Williams and, you guessed it, Ben Johnson. It’s at times a comedy of errors but also a story of love against all odds. The city of Chicago is Cher’s Loretta Castellini moving on from her Johnny Cammerari (Matt Eberflus), to find that Ronny Cammerari (Ben Johnson) is the one for her. Finding true love in Johnson has given Chicago the 8th-ranked offense in the league by EPA/Play. Their offense is as well-coordinated and harmonious as the symphonies that back Moonstruck’s score. As we saw in their fourth-quarter comeback against Green Bay last week, Chicago plays with the inevitability of true love. They find ways to thrive against all odds.
Houston Texans - Face Off
“Isn’t this religious, ah yes. The eternal battle between good and evil, saint and sinners... but you’re still not having any FUN!” - Nic Cage as Castor Troy (also played by John Travolta)
The Houston Texans have Face-Off’ed the 2002 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The 2002 Bucs had the #1 defense in points allowed per game and the #18 offense by points per game. The 2025 Texans defense is ranked 2nd in points allowed per game and their offense is ranked 13th in points per game. The real question for Houston is if their defense can carry C.J. Stroud and a patchy offense all the way to a title. The Texans’ defense plays with the violence and intensity of this Nic Cage-John Travolta thriller. DeMeco Ryans is John Travolta’s Castor Troy (who is actually Nic Cage’s character, I know it gets confusing), a domestic threat who’s always one step ahead of you. The Texans are hoping their season ends like the 2002 Tampa Bay Buccaneers, riding a strong defense all the way to the franchise’s first Super Bowl.
Seattle Seahawks - The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent
“Paddington 2 is incredible.” - Nic Cage as Nic Cage
Sam Darnold is Nicolas Cage (I’m 100% sure this is the first time anyone has written that sentence). In this buddy action/meta commentary on Nic Cage’s career, Cage plays himself as a down-and-out star past his prime, only for a superfan (played by Pedro Pascal) to invite him to his cartel-funded mansion. So Sam Darnold is Nic Cage. A longtime down-and-out quarterback turned true reclamation project after a stellar year in Minnesota.
Most people thought his production in Minneapolis was an outlier until Seattle became his cartel-funded mansion. Klint Kubiak is the Pedro Pascal to Darnold’s Nic Cage, reminding Sam Darnold of how great he can truly be. Sam Darnold is ranked 4th in the league in quarterback success rate, and though they’ve tailed off in recent weeks, Seattle’s offense boasts the playmaking power to go all the way.
Not to mention, the Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent sounds like how it feels to coordinate Seattle’s defense. Mike McDonald has a defense loaded with talent, all playing in the right key. They are the arms-dealing cartel, ruthless and physical. With a talented offense and top defense, Seattle could go all the way.
San Francisco 49ers - Con Air
“Sorry boss, but there’s only two men I trust. One of them’s me. The other’s not you.” - Nic Cage as Cameron Poe
Kyle Shanahan is Nic Cage’s Cameron Poe. A man who’s been unfairly locked away for years (and by locked away we mean not winning the Super Bowl). One of the best coaches of our generation has yet to win a Super Bowl as a head coach, despite piloting a top 10 offense in 5 out of his 9 seasons as a head coach in San Francisco and a top 5 offense in 3 out of 9 seasons. It’s been a long, heartbreaking road, but Kyle has a chance to go against all odds to find his way home (aka winning a championship).
The injuries to the 49ers’ defense are Cyrus “The Virus” played by John Malkovich, trying their best to bring everything down. But Shanahan didn’t come this far to come this far. Shanahan already beat the Philadelphia Eagles with this injured team (who I guess, in this instance, are evil inmate Earl “Swamp Thing” Williams. He’s hoping Brock Purdy (the #1 ranked quarterback by success rate) is his Vince Larkin (played by John Cusack), who can help him get home to see his daughter (aka the Lombardi trophy) before it’s too late.
Buffalo Bills - Ghost Rider
“He may have my soul but he doesn’t have my spirit.” - Nic Cage as Johnny Blaze
The Buffalo Bills have died a million deaths. Those deaths mostly came at the hands of Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs. Josh Allen and the Bills have lost to Patrick Mahomes 4 out of the last 5 seasons. But this season feels different. With no Patrick Mahomes in a way, Sean McDermott’s team has been reborn.
Much like Nic Cage in Ghost Rider, they’ve been given one more chance to reclaim their soul by making it to the Super Bowl. To make it there, they’ll have to defeat their biggest opponent…their own defense. The Bills currently allow the 5th most rushing yards per game. But Josh Allen, much like Nic Cage’s Johnny Blaze, is a superhero capable of conquering the odds. Can he do it on the road to Buffalo’s first Super Bowl victory?
New England Patriots - The Rock
“I drive a Volvo, a beige one. But what I’m dealing with here is one of the most deadly substances the earth has ever known, so what say you cut me some FRIGGIN’ SLACK?” - Nic Cage as Stanley Goodspeed
Mike Vrabel is the Sean Connery to Drake Maye’s Nic Cage. They’re teaming up together to break into Alcatraz, which we’ll call the playoffs. After being out of the playoffs for the past 3 seasons and not making it past the wild card round since they won the Super Bowl in 2018, Patriots football is back. Mike Vrabel (aka Sean Connery’s John Mason) is using all of his skills to help Drake Maye, aka Nic Cage’s Stanley Goodspeed, disable the rockets on their way to the Super Bowl.
The Patriots have the #1 offense by EPA/Play in the league. Vrabel and Maye have helped this team go from finishing 4th in the AFC East last season to the #2 seed in the AFC. But we’ll see if this unlikely yet dynamic duo has enough to disable the firepower of the Houston Texans’ defense and make it out alive.
Denver Broncos - National Treasure
“I’m gonna steal the Declaration of Independence.” - Nic Cage as Ben Gates
The Denver Broncos have almost lost many times. Yet despite the second-half deficit, they always find a way to figure it out. Denver’s 15th-ranked offense by EPA/Play and 8th-ranked defense have defied destiny. They’ve had moments where winning looked as impossible as stealing the Declaration of Independence. But the Broncos find a way to win, boasting 12 comeback victories in this season alone.
Their defense has been their guide, their cypher. And Sean Payton is Nic Cage’s Benjamin Franklin Gates, an overconfident adventurer who’s skilled at finding treasure in unlikely places. The “treasure” here is wins, despite the inconsistency of quarterback Bo Nix, who ranks 17th in the league in EPA/Play. Can Payton and his partner, defensive specialist Vance Joseph team up like Ben Gates and Riley Poole (played by Justin Bartha) to find the ultimate treasure?
The Los Angeles Rams - Gone in 60 seconds
“Without disappointment you cannot appreciate victory.” - Nic Cage as Memphis Raines
The Los Angeles Rams are a mirage. A blur. Once you think you’re locked in a death match with them, they hit the gas to leave you in the dust. Sean McVay is Nic Cage’s Memphis Raines. The best in the game at stealing cars (or running an offense in McVay’s case) and pulling away from the competition.
The 2nd-ranked Rams offense (by EPA/Play) is a Ford Shelby GT500, with classic but high-performing parts (like Matthew Stafford and Davante Adams) fine-tuned with some upgrades (Kyren Williams and all-universe receiver Puka Nakua), built to ride to victory. With the 7th-ranked defense in tow, Los Angeles is looking to steal a win from the red-hot Chicago Bears. Is McVay up to the task, or does the ride end here?