NFL Players Who Should Come Out of Retirement for a Game

Unleash the Philip Rivers effect!

Life guides us towards one humbling truth. That one day we will be washed. Cooked. It’s that moment you realize the ease of athleticism you had in your youth has gently faded with the years. You can’t drive to the hoop as fast as you used to in your weekly pickup game. You’re listed as doubtful for the company softball game because you stepped off the sidewalk the wrong way. You get mysterious injuries from innocuous things like sleeping or carrying a bag. Your top Google search is “how to fix back pain.” If people start calling you things like “Unc” and “oldhead” or you suddenly start watching strictly Ken Burns war documentaries, it means your time of being washed in nigh.

But even fundamental truths can shift. Even we as humans can test the boundaries of whether or not we’re washed or cooked. Everything we know changed this past week when the Indianapolis Colts lured Philip Rivers out of retirement to fill the shoes of injured starting quarterback Daniel Jones. At the ripe age of 44, Uncle Phil hasn’t started an NFL game in 5 years. That’s one kindergartner. He’s the only active NFL player who is also a grandfather. His oldest son is older than Colts star rookie tight end Tyler Warren. Like the rest of us, Philip knows that Ken Burns only has so many documentaries. After those are finished, it’s time to get back to ball.

Rivers is the prince who was promised for men in their mid-to-late-40s. A sign of everlasting life. His return to NFL action will inspire many of those men to lace ‘em up and go hoop at the Y this weekend. We’ll see men storming back to the Planet Fitness in droves. Some will dust off those tennis racquets to become the neighborhood Roger Federer. Some will pursue an Ohtani-like season in the company softball league. Uncle Phil has taught a generation of washed old heads to dream again. That washed doesn’t have to mean finished.

I have a fundamental theory that all sports become professional wrestling. When things are firing on all cylinders, your favorite sport has elements of the WWE oozing throughout it. The Luka-Anthony Davis trade last year revived drama in the NBA, giving us the type of drama and heel turns typically reserved for Monday Night Raw. The NFL is no different. What’s more WWE than a formerly retired athlete making a surprise return after half a decade to lead a team against one of the top defenses in the league? Phil needs to run onto the field with entrance music (may I recommend Alice in Chains “Man in the Box”) and do some sort of dance like he’s Dave Bautista.

Sports are supposed to be fun first and foremost. Sure, Philip Rivers might evaporate into thin air after getting tackled by DeMarcus Lawrence, and this whole experiment by the Colts might fail spectacularly. But it’s so fun. I applaud Indy for thinking outside the box in their pursuit of the playoffs. Can you imagine how incredible it would be if this 44-year-old grandfather entered the game looking like Dennis Quaid in Any Given Sunday and delivered Indianapolis to the promised land?

So, in honor of the return of Old Man Rivers, I put together a list of other players who should consider coming out of retirement to play for their old franchise for a couple of games. Cue the Stone Cold entrance music.

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Arizona Cardinals - Carson Palmer, Quarterback

When it comes to evaluating quarterbacks, Arizona is like your overconfident friend at Quizzo. They’re positive that they know the answer, but they get it wrong every time. Kyler Murray is most likely in his last year with the team after underperformance and bad injury luck were the final nails in his coffin. Jacoby Brissett is playing well in his stead, but he’s also 33 and doesn’t have extensive history as a solid starting quarterback. Arizona has always been a place for elderly quarterbacks to rejuvenate their careers. The franchise’s best signal-callers - Kurt Warner and Carson Palmer - both joined the team at the age of 34. So I say, run it back! Carson Palmer is 45, only a year older than Philip Rivers (or 1 YAPR, also known as “Years After Philip Rivers”). Let him come in and spin the rock to Marvin Harrison Jr. and rip shots to Trey McBride. He might not save Jonathan Gannon’s job, but what a fun way to go out.

Atlanta Falcons - Julio Jones, Wide Receiver

I can see it now. Drake London has been out since suffering a PCL strain in Week 11. Julio can come on the field and singlehandedly generate some offense. Sure, Kirk Cousins can’t throw the ball more than 10 yards down the field, so let’s keep Jones close to the line of scrimmage. That, in combination with the Kyle Pitts-aissance could be just what the doctor ordered for the crashing out Falcons.

Baltimore Ravens - Ed Reed, Safety

The Baltimore Ravens rank 26th in passing yards allowed. Ed Reed might be the greatest defensive player I’ve ever seen. And selfishly, seeing him play next to Kyle Hamilton would make defensive coordinators across the country cry tears of joy. Their defensive powers combined could banish Joe Burrow to the shadow realm.

Buffalo Bills - Peerless Price, Wide Receiver

I struggled with who to bring back for the Bills. My gut said Peerless Price, primarily because he has the greatest name in NFL history. Josh Allen doesn’t need any help generating offense, but giving him a consistent target to help move the chains could be nice. Ok, fine, I just did this because of his name.

Carolina Panthers - Luke Kuechly, Linebacker

The Panthers might make the playoffs. This is not a drill. While their defense went from bad to average this year, they could use a strong presence in the middle of the field. How about the greatest linebacker in Panthers history?

Chicago Bears - Devin Hester, KR/PR/WR/Human Highlight

Devin Hester is 43 years old (or 1 Year BPR AKA “Before Philip Rivers”). If he were racing a runaway train, I’d still bet on Devin Hester. Chicago returner Devin Duvernay is actually 5th in the league in return yards, so this isn’t a need. But seeing all of the ways Ben Johnson would use Devin Hester would be incredible.

Cincinnati Bengals - Chad Ochocinco, Wide Receiver

Question for the audience: Is this man’s last name still legally Ochocinco? Did he change it back to Johnson? Has the bit gone too far? Either way, Tee Higgins is on his second concussion in two weeks, so Ja’Marr could use a running buddy. Bring back the man with gold teeth and swagger to match. Would it be effective? No. But would it be entertaining? Absolutely.

Cleveland Browns - Joe Thomas, Offensive Tackle

I believe the scientific term for the Cleveland Browns is “dumpster fire” but the Shadeur experience is fun, and Quinshon Judkins is on my fantasy team, so I need to have some hope. Joe Thomas has slimmed down and isn’t at that fighting weight anymore, but Shadeur could use any pass protection he can get.

Dallas Cowboys - DeMarcus Ware, Defensive End

Dallas’ defense’s ability to stop opposing offenses is like trying to stop a bullet with a tissue. So let’s hit up none other than the franchise leader in sacks. DeMarcus looks like he could still rip through an offensive line. Side note: I can see Jerry reading this and bringing DeMarcus back into the fold by sundown.

Denver Broncos - Brandon Lloyd, Wide Receiver

Never in my life have I seen a wide receiver make the most breathtaking catches you’ve ever seen one minute, and completely disappear the next. But that is the Brandon Lloyd experience, and I want it back. Give Bo another target to pair with Cortland Sutton, Troy Franklin, and Pat Bryant. Let Lloyd deliver a stunning highlight during the Broncos’ usual fourth-quarter comebacks. Also, I’m obsessed with this fan edit of Brandon Lloyd highlights from the 2010 season backed by a Metallica song.

Detroit Lions - Calvin Johnson, Wide Receiver

This is more of an apology to Calvin for being on some terrible Lions teams. Detroit went 54-90 during his tenure. We owe it to one of the greatest wide receivers of all time to bring him back so he can be a part of the most successful era of Lions football. Bring him back, Brad!

Green Bay Packers - Jordy Nelson, Wide Receiver

The Packers are on a roll in the past few weeks, but they could use a big dog at wide receiver to move the chains while Christian Watson stretches the field. May I interest you in a Jordy Nelson? Jordy is a fan favorite from his days dominating Lambeau as Aaron Rodgers’ running mate. He’s a quarterback-friendly receiver who Jordan Love would…uh…love. He’s also 40 (AKA 4 YBPR).

Houston Texans - Arian Foster, Running Back

This is honestly just to hear Arian Foster say and tweet weird things. Like that time he talked about how he could be a wolf in a fight 1-on-1. The Texans could also use him in the backfield, but make no mistake, I just want the entertainment of Arian Foster saying weird stuff.

Jacksonville Jaguars - Maurice Jones-Drew, Running Back

Maurice Jones-Drew is like if a bicep became a person. Pair him with Travis Etienne and Bhaysul Tuten for a three-headed backfield that could keep this Jacksonville offense rolling into the playoffs. Downside: he is 40 years old, but if Philip Rivers taught us anything, it’s that 40 is the new 30, baby.

Kansas City Chiefs - Jamaal Charles, Running Back

The Chiefs are down bad. They need to take the burden off Patrick Mahomes with a strong running game, particularly one powered by a 38-year-old Jamaal Charles past his prime. The fans would be into it until he decided to re-enter retirement halfway through the game.

Las Vegas Raiders - Alternate Timeline Pete Carroll

Ok, I’m breaking the rules of my own game here, but what the Raiders really need is a good coach. A great leader, but who’s hungry to prove himself. A coach who hasn’t been to the mountaintop yet, but who has a hard-nosed philosophy on football that matches the Raider way. Someone like Pete Carroll…but like not this universe’s Pete Carroll after all of his success in Seattle. A wormhole tears into the space-time continuum to deliver Las Vegas a Pete Carroll from an alternate timeline who just left USC to redeem himself in his second stint in the pros. Tom Brady watched Interstellar and worked with a physicist to make it happen.

Los Angeles Chargers - Antonio Gates, Tight End

If Justin Herbert can stay in the pocket long enough before four defensive linemen collapse on him at once, I’d love to see him throw the rock to the greatest Chargers Tight End of all time and Philip Rivers’ old teammate. Antonio Gates is 45, but he is also still a large man. Let him suit up for Harbaugh and the boys.

Miami Dolphins - Brandon Marshall, Wide Receiver

The Dolphins have been playing well as of late, but they still have a wide receiver problem with Tyreek Hill being out for the season and Jaylen Waddle carrying the load. Rent out Brandon Marshall for a game and let Tua throw the rock to the large 41-year-old.

Minnesota Vikings - Sam Bradford, Quarterback

To this day, I still don’t know if Sam Bradford was good or bad. Is he the Joe Montana of Mitchell Trubiskys or the Nathan Peterman of Terrell Pryors? Either way, he can’t be worse than J.J. McCarthy. With the right coaching, Sammy Sleeves could keep this offense on track. Would Justin Jefferson be stoked about this? Eh, probably not.

New England Patriots - Mike Vrabel, Linebacker

The first player-coach in the modern NFL era. Like Michael Jordan in Space Jam or Jackie Moon in Semi-Pro. I want Vrabel coaching from the field. I want him tackling opposing quarterbacks and catching touchdowns from Drake Maye at the goal line. With the intensity that man has, I wouldn’t put this past him.

New Orleans Saints - Reggie Bush, Running Back

The Saints are bad, but at least Reggie Bush is fun! Alvin Kamara has had an injury-plagued season, and although Devin Neal has stepped up in his absence, he could use a little guidance from the Heisman and Super Bowl-winning running back.

New York Giants - Plaxico Burress, Wide Receiver

New York has been Malik Nabers-less all year, leaving Jaxson Dart to throw to Kirkland-brand Zay Flowers (Wan’Dale Robinson) and He Who Cannot Catch (Darius Slayton) in between concussions. Plaxico may be old, but he’s still super tall. He shouldn’t even have to run routes; just have him jog 10 yards down the field and stand there waiting for the ball to arrive.

New York Jets - Laveranues Coles, Wide Receiver

Did you know that Laveranues Cols is currently training at the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Department to become a police officer? Did you know he’s also friends with Tyler Perry? Did you know growing up, his nickname was “Trubs” because one of the doctors in the hospital when he was born joked he was trouble? Anyway read this Athletic article. The Jets need wide receiver help, but I think Coles is busy.

Philadelphia Eagles - Jason Kelce, Center

This one is real because, as the weeks go on, I’m not sure if Eagles right guard Tyler Steen has the sauce. I’m sure Kelce is doing fine with the world’s most popular podcast and the million other things he’s doing or whatever. But what about walking in his old teammate Brandon Graham’s footsteps and rejoining an Eagles’ offensive line that’s desperate for some help. That would bump Cam Jurgens out to right guard and Tyler Steen to the bench. I’m sure Howie Roseman has already made the call.

Pittsburgh Steelers - James Harrison, World Destroyer

When parents tell their children stories about the boogeyman they’re referring to James Harrison. He is terrifying. He still looks like he could play. The Steelers’ defense lost a little edge this year, and Harrison could bring it back with one death stare. Listen to him describe the Steeler Way. Let the man cook.

San Francisco 49ers - Michael Crabtree, Wide Receiver

After the Brandon Aiyuk injury-turned-incident, the 49ers are running with a wide receiver room of Ricky Pearsall and Jauan Jennings. They could use a little star power to take some burden off Christian McCaffrey. He also does a ton of shit-talking, which I believe only gets better with age.

Seattle Seahawks - Marshawn Lynch, Running Back

Mike McDonald and Marshawn Lynch would be a match made in football heaven. With a top defense and a passing game built off play-action, Beast Mode would thrive with Sam Darnold, Jaxson Smith-Njigba, and this offense. He’s like a suped-up version of Zach Charbonnet and Kenneth Walker combined.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Ronde Barber, Cornerback

As we saw from the meltdown in Hotlanta, the Buccaneers could use a little defensive juice. So let’s pair the legendary Ronde Barber with Jamel Dean. Ronde still looks like he can play (or actually, is that Tiki?), and the Bucs could use the help.

Tennessee Titans - Chris Johnson, Running Back

Nothing is saving the Tennessee Titans. But wouldn’t it be sick to see Chris Johnson use his lightning speed to run into a wall of unblocked defenders as fast as possible?

Washington Commanders - Robert Griffin III, Quarterback

After suffering another injury last week against the Vikings, Dan Quinn should do the responsible thing and shut Jayden Daniels down for the season. To appease the fans, bring back RGIII for the remaining games. Let him exercise the demons from the Jay Gruden era and be a part of a non-toxic Washington franchise. This would go well until Dan Quinn leaves him in a blowout loss in the fourth quarter, and he gets hurt. A bonus is that it would mean we get to hear less sports analysis from RGIII.