My Girlfriend Ranks 0-3 NFL Teams
Predicting which teams will bounce back and which teams will just stay in the back
The Philadelphia Eagles are on a heater, and my heart is as full as the win column. Last Sunday’s comeback win against the Rams altered my body chemistry. I’m still having heart palpitations as we speak. I shout about blocked field goals in my sleep. My girlfriend is concerned.
Between this era of Eagles dominance and the Philadelphia Phillies turning into Godzilla to secure a first-round bye in the playoffs, it’s an incredible time to be a Philly sports fan (especially if you withdraw from the emotional torture that is rooting for the Philadelphia 76ers).
Unfortunately for other fan bases, the NFL is a league of haves and have-nots. And the have-nots really be not having. There are currently six 0-3 teams in the NFL:
Tennessee Titans
Houston Texans
Miami Dolphins
New York Jets
New York Giants
New Orleans Saints
Calling these teams losers seems a little harsh, even from my Kelly Green Ivory Tower. So maybe we’ll call them win-withouts? Or lose-a-lots? Or maybe just non-winners. (side note: New York football is the biggest non-winner of all)
Non-winners that start the season 0-3 typically have a low chance of making the playoffs. The last 0-3 non-winner to make the playoffs was the 2018 Texans (they’ve done it before, don’t threaten them with a good time). Dating back to 1990, only 4 out of 165 teams that have started the season 0-3 have made it to the postseason. None have made it to the Super Bowl (womp womp).
So today, we’re going to take a look at each non-winner and figure out which one has a chance of bouncing back from their rough start and making a run to the playoffs. Because who doesn’t love a comeback story!
There are several statistical models we can use to analyze which of these non-winners has the best chance to make the playoffs. The statistical model I’ll be using is my girlfriend. Sure, she lacks any and all football knowledge. But what she lacks in education of the game, she makes up for in strong intuition and phenomenal fashion sense.
So I put together a moodboard for each non-winner and asked her to share her thoughts on who has a chance of making it out of the basement of the NFL and into a deluxe apartment in the sky (cue the theme song from The Jeffersons) based purely on vibes.
The Rules
The moodboard for each non-winner includes the following:
Team Name
City the Team is From
Picture of the Team’s Jersey
Pictures of the Team’s Coach and Starting Quarterback
Food the City Where They Play is Known For
Last Time The Team Made the Playoffs
From there, I asked her to provide her thoughts on the chances each team will make the playoffs using a super-scientific rating system I developed, which, for the sake of keeping her interested, is based on Taylor Swift songs.
The rating system for each team is as follows:
SHAKE IT OFF - The team will bounce back and make the playoffs (she’d like me to clarify that she does, in fact, not like the song “Shake It Off”)
WILDEST DREAMS - The team’s record might bounce back, but the playoffs are still a stretch
DOWN BAD - The team will have a losing season
And with that, let’s dive in.
Tennessee Titans
GIRLFRIEND: This feels disjointed. Their energy is all over the place. I feel like this guy Brian loves a Nashville Hot Chicken Sandwich. Cam, I think he’ll eat anything and he’ll tell you it’s the best meal he’s ever had. Also, why are they called the Titans? They’re in Nashville, you would think it would be something music-related like the Nashville Crooners. Imagine getting a touchdown scored on you by a crooner. You’d feel so bad about yourself and that would be their secret weapon.
Me: The last time they made it to the Super Bowl was in 1999.
GF: Wow, so Cam wasn’t even alive yet. It was literally a lifetime ago for him. They’re kind of growing on me, I kind of love them. Brian looks like he’s in that movie The Blindside, like he’s married to Sandra Bullock. He’s supposed to be on TV in a different way. Cam, I think he has a good relationship with his mom. I like the idea of him doing a once-in-a-lifetime “for him” feat. Because he wasn’t alive last time they were in the Super Bowl.
VERDICT: Wildest Dreams (might bounce back, but the playoffs are still a stretch)
Houston Texans
GF: I will say this whole thing is kind of giving…it’s very USA, despite the Tex-Mex, which I guess claiming other people’s work and crediting ourselves is a thing we do very well here. The coach looks jubilant. DeMeco (pronounced “Demecko”) is that Irish? This is really giving me Friday Night Lights. It’s always the person I’m interested in learning about the least that does well.
VERDICT: Shake It Off (will bounce back and make the playoffs)
New York Jets
GF: If this team were a ‘90s TV show, it would come on after the Tex-Mex team whose name I forgot.
Me: You mean the Texans?
GF: Wait, their name is the Texans? I completely missed that. That’s so stupid. For this team, I feel like this is very cohesive to me as a brand. But it feels like they just don’t have it.
VERDICT: Down Bad (will have a losing season)
Miami Dolphins
GF: The quarterback is cute! I like his name and his smile. He just seems like a cartoon character. I love the colors. I love a cubano. But maybe they’re enjoying life in Miami so much that they’ve lost the grind. The only thing they’re grinding is pulled pork for that cubano. Should we get cubanos right now?
VERDICT: Down Bad (will have a losing season)
New York Giants
GF: His name is Jaxson Dart? Did they run out of names? Also the coach, is that pronounced “D’Ball” because it should be. I bet he’s heard that joke a million times. Except when he started losing. Then they were like, we wish you loved “D’Ball” but you don’t love it enough. Wait, there are two New York teams?
Me: Yup
GF: And they share a stadium? Well that’s insane. Well I think Brian should change his name to D’Ball. Brian D’Ball looks like he’s going to put on a wig and go to a Jason Kelce look-a-like contest in Rittenhouse Square. Jaxson Dart looks like he should be on the CW. The coach from the Titans could be Jaxson Dart’s coach on the CW show. I feel like getting drafted high is his life story. Look at that face, he’s not worried.
I know this team is better than the other New York team based on the fact that I haven’t heard of the other one, and there’s a whole movie about “little” ones of these. So culturally, I’m inclined to say Wildest Dreams, but I don’t like the way they look. But I guess just because I don’t like two people’s faces doesn’t mean they can’t be successful.
VERDICT: Wildest Dreams (might bounce back, but the playoffs are still a stretch)
New Orleans Saints
GF: I mean, I love New Orleans. I named our cat Gumbo. And I love gumbo (the cat and the food).
For the jersey, I never understood why they went with black. New Orleans is the most colorful city; they could’ve done something else. Maybe a gradient?
I feel like I want to root for them. I don’t know how I feel about Spencer Rattler, but I sure do like his name. Does anyone call him The Rattler?
Anyway, I’m for this. I feel good about it. I like the name The Rattler. I like the typeface on their jerseys. I like that Kellen looks like a Kellen; it feels authentic. And I like that he used to be for the Birds.
VERDICT: Shake It Off (will bounce back and make the playoffs)
Thoughts on Da Burds
The Eagles have officially placed Nolan Smith on IR, thinning out the team’s edge rushing unit. Smith was playing well before re-aggravating the triceps injury he was dealing with during the Super Bowl win over the Chiefs. With Smith out at least through the Eagles’ November 2 bye week, pass rushers Za’Darius Smith and Josh Uche will have to step up opposite Jalyx Hunt to fill in the role.
The Eagles should be able to get by without Smith. Between now and their bye week, they face a manageable slate of QBs, including Baker Mayfield this Sunday, Bo Nix, Jaxson Dart (twice), and J.J. McCarthy (or Carson Wentz) in that timeframe. The hope is that Smith makes it back before a big matchup against the Packers on November 10.
This Sunday, the Eagles will come toe-to-toe with lowkey one of their biggest rivals. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have been the Birds’ boogeyman since the early aughts. The Eagles are 1-4 against Tampa Bay in the Nick Sirianni era. Since 2000, the Eagles are 8-9 against the Bucs, including a loss in the 2003 NFC Championship Game (when Ronde Barber broke every heart in Philadelphia) and losses in the Wild Card Round in the 2021 and 2023 seasons. Fun fact: Bucs head coach Todd Bowles was the Philadelphia Eagles’ secondary coach and interim defensive coordinator in 2012 after Juan Castillo was fired by Andy Reid.
She seems pretty smart and not at all like she just learned both quarterbacks are not on the field at the same time from a New Heights episode