Love is Blind: NFL Edition
Which teams should be in it for the long haul with their QBs and coaches and which should get wine drunk and mutually part ways?
Everyone knows the story of Romeo and Juliet. Romeo meets Juliet on a hit reality TV dating show. They hit it off and ride the fast track to getting engaged. Until Juliet discovers Romeo has a secret girlfriend at home and that he’s on the show for the “wrong reasons.”
It’s a true modern love story. And one Netflix rolls out every year on Love is Blind. If you live under a rock or spend your time doing more productive things than I do, Love is Blind is Netflix’s hit reality TV show. Basically, they put a bunch of single people who are desperate for love in a hotel. They take aware their phones, give them a lot of alcohol, and have them date each other through a wall that looks like a lava lamp.
Then those people have to make a decision about whether or not they want to get engaged to strangers they’ve never met without seeing what they look like. Most people convince themselves the stranger through the wall is the love of their life. Then they go on a honeymoon and do a trial marriage before deciding if they want to actually get married and if love is truly blind. It was started by one of the founders of 90’s boy band 98 degrees and his wife who was an MTV VJ. That sounds like a madlib.
So in the tradition of my favorite reality TV slop, we’re going to do a little edition of Love is Blind for some of football’s more divisive figures. Specifically, we’ll look at quarterbacks and coaches across the league who’s teams have to decide if they want to “get engaged” or “move on” (which is ironically the tagline for Love is Blind’s twisted sister show The Ultimatum where married couples break up and date other people).
Let’s get to it.
The Rules
I’m going to start by telling you a little bit about each person from their perspective without revealing who they are (unless you’re one of those people who reads the last page of a book before starting it and want scroll down a minimal amount for the big reveal). Then I’ll make a call on whether the team should “get engaged” to them or “move on” before revealing who each person is. It’s time to meet our lucky (or unlucky) bachelors.
BACHELOR #1
My 5 seasons in the league have been chock full of ups and downs. After an incredible college career at Ohio State I got drafted by a perennially bad team. That team was a mess. I had two different head coaches and three different offensive coordinators.
I was never higher than the 28th best passer in the league by EPA/play. My original team finally traded me to a team that’s always competitive. I started 6 games for them last year and went 4-2. Then I got benched for a quarterback way past his prime. Despite only playing 6 games last year, I still finished with the 14th most rushing yards for a quarterback and ranked 18th by EPA/Play. This year a team finally took a chance on me and…we haven’t won a single game.
Ok but listen my team is historically toxic and literally every QB who comes here crumbles. But it’s been especially rough for your boy. I’ve thrown for 45 and 46 yards in my last two games despite having a solid offensive line, a top running back, and a talented wide receiver I balled out with in college. Most quarterbacks throw for that many yards in one quarter. But I lead the league in rushing yards for a QB so that has to count for something, right?
VERDICT: MOVE ON.
A 5th year quarterback who’s never been better than the 18th ranked QB in the league isn’t going to improve dramatically. He’s a potent running quarterback but not one you can build a sustainable passing game around, which is what it takes to win in this league. My dude finally got a chance to show what he can do, albeit in a bad situation. Unfortunately, he’s only shown that he doesn’t have the juice to be a starting quarterback.
PLAYER: Justin Fields, Quarterback, New York Jets
BACHELOR #2
Everyone knows I’m a great guy and a better coach. I won the Super Bowl over 10 years ago and have a record of 173-109 (not to brag). But since then I haven’t made it back. My team missed the playoffs four times, lost in the wild card round twice, lost in the divisional round four times, and lost in the conference championship once.
We are debatably the best team in the conference when healthy and my quarterback is a two-time MVP alien who’s a certified hall-of-famer. We’ve gotten so close to getting back to the Super Bowl but my team is known for collapsing in big playoff moments. Since my all-universe quarterback has been drafted, I’m 4-11 in games he’s missed. He’s been hurt for a few games this year and we’re 1-5.
That being said I (usually) hire coordinators pretty well. It’s been a long time with this team, I’m a little tired but I think we can get back to the big game.
VERDICT: GO TO COUPLES COUNSELING.
This is more of an old marriage where the partners bicker with each other over where to put the forks in the dishwasher. A great coach is hard to find, even if players start to tune out his message. But when you’re this close for so long you have to ride it out until the wheels fall off. Making a rash decision could set your franchise back instead of moving it forward. This may be the year the team hits rock bottom, but you have to reserve judgment until the end of the season.
COACH: John Harbaugh, Head Coach, Baltimore Ravens
BACHELOR #3
Some say I’m a hot head but I’m just a passionate dude (or the literal heat is getting to me). My running back made a big mistake recently and I may have nudged him pretty hard on the sideline afterwards (which I apologized for, let’s not make a big deal about it). I was a rising coaching star and even made the Super Bowl as a coordinator with my old team.
But as a head coach, I’m 14-27 in three years including 2-5 this year. My team has lost 5 games straight by a combined 13 points so we’re in it every game. We also lost to maybe the league’s worst team this year and beat the second worst team by one score. Our offense is led by an all-star quarterback that loves video games more than he loves ball.
My first year, our offense was 31st in points per game before jumping to 16th in 2024 and 15th this year. But average is better than bad! Also my quarterback has been hurt in 11 games since I’ve been here (including 9 in my first season). Sooo…maybe not my fault?
VERDICT: MOVE ON.
This is the tale of an average head coach employed by a mediocre franchise. This coach hasn’t shown himself to be special and his team lacks a distinct identity and discipline. But he has shown the capability to get guys to play hard and raise the quality of play from bad to average. He’s dealt with a lot of injuries that aren’t his fault. But still, he feels like the guy before the guy. That longterm boyfriend that you had who you broke it off with and immediately met your husband.
COACH: Jonathan Gannon, Head Coach, Arizona Cardinals
BACHELOR #4
Listen, I’m a chill guy, I’ve been through a lot of shit but I don’t let it phase me. I was the #1 pick in the draft if you can believe it. I was supposed to be the savior of a really historically shitty franchise. Like they probably should’ve been relegated to college football. But I keep our boys going. As proof of how bad they are, I’ve had 3 different head coaches since I’ve been here. One of them was a literal college coach who was coaching for the first time in the league.
My new head coach is an offensive guru but we’re still trying to figure out how to click. Since I was drafted, I’m the 35th ranked quarterback by EPA/play and 25th ranked this year. I’m 26-41 in my career but you try winning games with this team. I have thrown for the 9th most yards in the league since 2021 so that’s awesome. The downside, I have the 3rd most interceptions in the league since then and the 8th highest interception percentage.
Things have been rough but at least I’m being paid a ton of money. My playoff record is 1-1. Did I mention how chill I am and how bad my team is?
VERDICT: HAVE FUN FOR NOW BUT IT’S NOT A LONG TERM THING.
If this season in the NFL has taught us anything, it’s that some quarterbacks would benefit from a change of scenery (see: Baker Mayfield and Sam Darnold). Sometimes the wounds are too deep to heal. This quarterback has yet to prove that he’s a true difference maker. He has flashes of greatness but lacks consistency. He has all the tools but after 5 seasons he still struggles to put them together game after game.
And with how much he’s being paid, it might make sense to look for other options who can run the new head coaches system with more efficiency.
PLAYER: Trevor Lawrence, Quarterback, Jacksonville Jaguars
BACHELOR #5
People thought I was a genius. Shit, maybe I am? I have a record of 81-41 as a college head coach. I jumped to the league to showcase my offensive innovations to the big stage. That…uh…didn’t pan out. I have a record of 28-35 as an NFL head coach and made some enemies along the way. Literally, the entire city of Philadelphia hates me.
I got banished to the college ranks and actually won a championship last season as the offensive coordinator for a college football powerhouse. The comeback train was full steam baby. People wanted a piece of the action again so I made the move to the league again to become the offensive coordinator for one of the NFL’s signature franchises, working under one of the all-time best coaches.
But It’s been a rough start. Our team is 2-5 and the offense is especially bad. Our offensive line is less resistant than a wet piece of paper. Our offense ranks 31st by EPA/Play and we have the worst rushing offense in the league (despite spending a first round pick on a star running back this past offseason). My quarterback who was an NFL darling last year has thrown for the most interceptions this year and the 25th most touchdowns while completing 65.8% of his passes with a passer rating of 77.1 (last year he completed 77.1% of his passes and had a 93.2 passer rating). He’s worse than Russell Wilson this year and Russell Wilson isn’t even starting. Is it me? I’m starting to think it might be me.
VERDICT: MOVE ON.
Paying top dollar for a bad offense is bad business done by a bad franchise. This offensive coordinator has flunked in the NFL before and has yet to prove he has the answers for a struggling franchise. This team needs a big time talent overhaul but maybe finding a coordinator with NFL experience and fresh ideas could inject some life into this long struggling franchise. I’m also bias because I live in Philadelphia.
COACH: Chip Kelly, Offensive Coordinator, Las Vegas Raiders
BACHELOR #6
I’ve been coaching this team for 6 years but honestly it’s felt like 30. We’ve lost a lot. I’ve gone gray. Despite that, I have a record of 42-49 in my time here. I’ve had 12 different starting quarterbacks in that time. That’s nuts! I won 11 games in 2020 and 2023 (despite the fact I started 5 different quarterbacks in 2023). My offense this year is ranked 30th by EPA/Play but my defense is ranked 5th in limiting pass yards and rushing yards. I’m trying my best here.
VERDICT: GET ENGAGED.
Listen, a good coach is hard to find. Especially one that willingly sticks around with a terrible franchise. This guy has spun straw into gold with the talent he’s given. If you stumble across legitimate offensive talent and a top 15 quarterback, keeping him around could really pay off.
COACH: Kevin Stefanski, Head Coach, Cleveland Browns
BACHELOR #7
I am that dude. I’ve always known it, no matter what they say. People say I have too much confidence but I don’t even know if that’s a thing. I mean, my name even sounds like an NFL quarterback. I was a fifth round pick in last year’s NFL draft, even though I had a solid college career. I got drafted by a franchise that’s been stuck in the mud.
They’ve only had 2 winning seasons in the last 5 years. They had zero all pros last year. I’ve been here for a year and change and I’ve already had 3 head coaches.
Here’s the downside, I’m 1-13 in my starts. I know that sounds bad, but I’m 18th in completion percentage, 13th in yards thrown and 23rd in EPA/Play. Okay maybe not much better, but numbers don’t tell the whole story. Watch me play and see that I’m a legit starting quarterback in this league. I run my new head coach’s offense pretty well. This team drafted a quarterback in the 2nd round last year to replace me but I’ve kept him on the bench. I’m the one you want.
VERDICT: GET ENGAGED.
This team is down bad and could use a little excitement. The talent level is very bad across the team and this quarterback has exceeded expectations. It’s going to be a long rebuild so might as well give him the time to show what he can do while he’s on his rookie contract. Let him spin.
PLAYER: Spencer Rattler, Quarterback, New Orleans Saints
