Pennsylvania is home to over 400 species of wild birds. With 59% forested land, the Keystone State is an excellent destination for bird enthusiasts everywhere. You’ve got your classic cardinals and blue jays. Or the American Goldfinch, a bird that shines with bright yellow feathers at the height of the summer but takes on dull olive-brown plumage in the winter. Or the Downy Woodpecker, the smallest woodpecker in North America. You want more woodpeckers, you say? I recommend the Red-Bellied Woodpecker, a bird that kind of looks like Dennis Rodman. I say all this because the only birdwatching you should be doing for the rest of the season is in the middle of a field somewhere. Far away from the ramblings of Cris Collinsworth or the meme-worthy frowns of Nick Sirianni. Because the Philadelphia Eagles…these Birds are simply not worth your precious time.
The Eagles lost to the Commanders in the Sunday Night Slopfest. I am implementing a version of daylight savings where I’m giving myself an extra three hours to forget that I ever watched this game. The Eagles are a shell of a football team. An empty husk. They are a house fire that someone is trying to put out with gasoline. On a night when Nick Sirianni’s team had a chance to redeem themselves in front of a national audience after embarrassing the City of LeBron against the Bears and Cowboys on Monday Night Football, they got pantsed by one of the worst teams in the league and their head coach, who looks like a substitute gym teacher with a heart of gold. How bad are the Commanders? This is only their second win of the season.
Whatever belief this team had in themselves has evaporated. They have a stench on them. One they can’t seem to shake, like when smoke from a fire seeps into your clothes. Their small mistakes have compounded. Their lack of confidence is infectious.
The broken offense is as sharp as a paintbrush, and the defense returning 7 of 11 starters is fraught with coverage breakdowns and a pass rush that’s as fierce as a golden retriever. They let a rotten Commanders defense, which has given up an average of 28 points this season, hold them to 10 points by blitzing the living hell out of them. They gave a sloppy, often penalized Commanders offense chance after chance to dig themselves out of a hole, saying “hand me the shovel, here’s a ladder to find your way out.”
For a second, it looked like this would be a classic win for a Sirianni team that’s occasionally found their way with their back against the wall. The Eagles got out to an early 10-0 lead in the first quarter thanks to a beautiful throw from Tanner McKee to Saquon Barkley on a wheel route followed by a Barkley touchdown run. But as is their tradition, that would be the last time the Eagles scored. The Commanders’ defense blitzed the Eagles over and over again, and the offensive line could not protect Tanner McKee. The Eagles offense couldn’t get anything going consistently without their top two wide receivers and a running back room with the depth of a thimble.
Despite a rough game from Jayden Daniels (whose elbow protection contraption makes him look like Jax from Mortal Kombat) and the Manders’ offense, they somehow found their way back into this game little by little, like pulling a wagon through the mud. In their first drive of the second quarter, Jayden Daniels led the Commanders on an 89-yard touchdown drive that ended in an 8-yard touchdown pass to Stefon Diggs. It was a drive where the Commanders ate up the Eagles’ defense for chunk gains, including a 21-yard pass to Treylon Burks against Riq Woolen and an 18-yard Jayden Daniels run.
With a chance to score with 1:30 left before halftime, the Eagles offense went…3-and-out. Thanks in part to a big 39-yard return from the worse McCaffrey brother, the Commanders were able to get in field goal position to make it 13-10 before halftime.
The second half was a comedy of errors for the Eagles. There was the Tanner McKee fumble on their second possession of the third quarter. There was Jayden Daniels hitting Treylon Burks for a 53-yard gain against Quinyon Mitchell to get the Commanders into field goal range to make it 16-10. There was the ball bouncing out of Dallas Goedert’s hands and into the hands of a Commanders defender (which luckily was overturned due to a roughing the passer penalty). Then there was the crème de la crème of dysfunction.
At the beginning of the 4th quarter, the Eagles were in scoring position at Washington’s 13-yard line after a 15-play drive that lasted over 7 minutes. Lining up to go for it on 4th and 4, a Markel Bell false start backed them up 5 yards and forced them to kick the field goal. Jake Elliott nailed a 36-yard kick, but it was called back due to an illegal formation penalty on Jordan Mailata. Elliott was then forced to kick a 41-yarder and missed it.
From there, the Eagles allowed the Commanders to score a late field goal before a game-sealing touchdown and two-point conversion to get a win for Dan Quinn (AKA Ron Rivera-type beat) and his downtrodden squad.
It’s never been more over for the Philadelphia Eagles. This is the first 6-game losing streak the franchise has seen since 2012, which was Andy Reid’s last year in Philadelphia. The same problems continue to wreak havoc on this team. They grow and fester like a virus before infecting everyone. No one has any answers. Nick Sirianni looks like he hasn’t slept since the summer. Questions of effort and confidence will justifiably plague this team. But overall, this feels like the end of an era.
I don’t see how Nick Sirianni survives this. Despite his high win percentage, he’s a coach who’s always outsourced his problem-solving. He’s always needed experienced coordinators to thrive. If Sirianni’s calling card is culture and getting players to believe and commit to the details, then he’s failing at his job. This team looks broken and deeply uninspired. They are a chore to watch. They don’t do anything well except lose. They have as much juice as a raisin. They play with the passion of a man clocking in for his shift at Arby’s. This is a far cry from the Super Bowl champions we saw parade down Broad Street two years ago. This is the Sirianni era is ending with a whimper.
TRENDING UP
Saquon Barkley: I admire Barkley for going out there and giving it his all on one leg. He’s the best part of the team right now, but also honestly probably should not be playing. Seeing him tough it out is inspiring but has yet to rub off on the rest of the team.
TRENDING DOWN
Sean Mannion: Hiring Sean Mannion was a mistake. There is a universe where Mannion turns out to be an excellent offensive coordinator. I’m just not sure we’re living in it right now. I say this not because the issues are with Mannion and Mannion alone, but because the Eagles brought an inexperienced coordinator into a situation where he was not set up for success. They surrounded Mannion with failed coaches, including pass game coordinator Josh Grizzard, who was fired by the Buccaneers last season, quarterbacks coach Parks Frazier, who was the pass game coordinator for Kevin Patullo’s dumpster fire offense last year, and offensive line coach Chris Kuper, who was fired by the Vikings after last season. They asked Mannion to implement a completely new style of offense in one offseason and contend for a Super Bowl. Mannion’s dealt with the early adversity of injuries, including losing his star quarterback, and a head coach who is not equipped to support him schematically. If Mannion has the goods, we won’t see it with this team. He’s not doing himself any favors with his messy playcalling, but the Eagles set him up for failure.
The Eagles Pass Rush: The Birds are 24th in pressures in the league and 28th in sacks. They have no pass rush. It’s nonexistent. Without any help from Jonathan Greenard, Jalyx Hunt, or anyone on the edge room, the Birds are relying on Jalen Carter to carry the load on the interior. And against a bad Commanders offensive line, the pass rush still couldn’t get going sustainably. It’s having an impact on the rest of the defense.
The Entire Eagles Defense: Everything about this unit stinks right now. They were supposed to carry this team but can’t seem to get out of their own way.
HOT TAKES
Fire Up the Trade Machine: The Eagles have a ways to go to climb out of the NFC East. I expect them to be light sellers at the deadline for players with 1 year left on their deal like Riq Woolen, Moro Ojomo, and Dallas Goedert.
The Biggest Mistake the Eagles Made Was Pushing Out Jeff Stoutland: The original sin of this shitshow of a season was what went down with Jeff Stoutland. In his final season with the Eagles, Stoutland’s unit wasn’t great. The offensive line dealt with injuries and inconsistency, while the run game was nowhere to be seen. But throughout his tenure, Stoutland was known for making average offensive linemen great but, more importantly, for his leadership. His players loved him. They bought into him. Having a veteran voice like that on the coaching staff to help navigate choppy waters and to mentor Mannion could’ve made a huge difference. A steady hand this team needs. Instead, Stoutland left, and you’ve seen the ripple effects across the whole team. When Nick Sirianni is let go, we'll look back on that as the moment everything changed.
THINGS ONLY I CARE ABOUT
Popular Songs in Pharmaceutical Commercials: Nothing is more jarring than this trend of hearing popular songs in pharmaceutical commercials where they change the words slightly to include the name of the medication. Can I interest you in a drug called Endula that will help lower your blood pressure to the tune of Drop It Like It’s Hot? “When your pressure’s getting high…drop it with Endula…drop it with Endula.” Or a pill called Whoofee that will patch up that explosive diarrhea to the tune of Journey “Don’t Stop Believin’.” “Whoofee stops...your diarrheaaaa.” Or a new GLP-1 called Bofu to the tune of Kendrick Lamar “Not Like Us.” “They got weight loss, they got weight loss, they got weight loss.”
Hilarious, informative and Philadelphian as always. Commanders needed the win and get back for week 1. I turned your cover photo into a nice repackaged meme too. So 4 for 1 value in this article.